So, this is my FIRST recap of Scandal, and I must say that I picked a lovely episode to do it on….

“I can stay awake just to hear you breathing…”

Ok, so can someone please explain to me why Olivia was sitting on the floor looking at Jake like Kathy Bates in “Misery”? She’s just laying her burdens down on the floor, fielding phone calls from her boo thang President Ghost, and getting the MMA shutdown from Huck!!!!!! lol Huck had no dambs to give to Olivia tonight, and she was feeling every bit of the girlfriend who got caught cheating on her man…”I’m fine, I just need some time”… a line that NO woman wants to hear from a guy, no matter if he’s a former assassin or not. You’s a cold mofo Hucky, a cold mofo. Can I get some nachos with that slurpee of heart feels please????!

“Mommy why don’t you lub Daddy neemore” – Cyrus”

I Can remember fondly my “family time” centered around the dinner table, and I’ll admit it wasn’t all rainbows, sunshine, and Jimmy Dean sausage goodness, but I can tell you it wasn’t nearly as cutthroat island as this scene with President Ghost, Raw dawg Mells, and whining Cyrus was. Who checks a man in the testicles so early in the morning????? I mean, can you at least pass the milk first?!? Sheesh!!!! And all Cyrus wanted was a pony for Christmas.

Miss Mellie got Fitz like Sophia in ‘The Color Purple’

I’m sorry Mrs. Cookoo for coco puffs, but your son is not right in the head, and apparently neither are you.

So the Gladiators get all kool-aid griny about the new client that just miraculously lands in their office, toting a publisher’s clearing house check…just full of giggles and 1st of the month happiness. However, things start to smell just a tad bit fishy when Ms. Nosey pants Quinn starts to reject the seats she so obviously needs to take, and hacks into their client’s bank account….uh, why?????? do you have a structured settlement and you need cash now???? …I bet you’re singing the song right now, but seriously who does this???? Let the woman give you her tithes, so what it was all the money she had, now you got it. Chile please. However, upon hearing this news, Olivia just so happens to feel the need to trot her Miss Jenkins “pastor appreciation” blue suit down to the “hill” to find Ms. Sanity Lost. Unfortunately, when Ms. Pout mouth does find her, she’s all taken aback by the fact she’s strapped like Royal and Jahighness in the hood over a ‘misunderstanding’. I’m sorry, but if someone gives me a bunch a money, I’m not going to ask why? First thing I’m doing is copping me a “pope coat”! Yeah I said it. The whole big to do was over the fact that Ms. Insane in Membrane wanted to uncover the truth about her son’s death (which she claims was wrongful) at the hands of the F.B.I. presumably for terrorist activities, but then you turn around and do the same thing miss payday, I guess the nut didn’t fall far from the tree. Too bad Wiki leaks got shutdown. Whoops! Needless to say explosives were involved, swat teams, and Ms. Infected lips doing her utmost to impersonate JuJu bean in Season two of Rupaul’s Drag Race. Also, might I add where were all the secret service agents? Were they so secretive that one one seems to know they exist? Too much for me to handle, plus why was President Ghost getting all ‘the girl is mine’ on Jake?! I mean you’re the president for goodness sakes, get another chick with sugar walls!!! I’m going to need you to take a seat right next to Quinn please….

Columbus Short aka Harrsion is fione

That’s all.

“Olivia causes more problems than she solves… – Rosen”

This is the truest line that I’ve heard so far since I’ve started watching the series, because I have yet to see Cambodian wig wearing, pouty lip Ms. Pope stay outta people’s bizzness. Olivia’s like the old lady that sits on her stoop, in her house coat and furry slippers, yelling at the kiddies to stay off the grass. I’m almost waiting for her to have a fly swatter over a big steaming pot of collard greens!!!! Olivia go get your life, before you sign that application for AARP. However, Rosen was on the wig snatching brigade tonight and Cyrus was stushed. lol

Cue the Star Spangled Banner

When did President Ghost get all patriotic? I mean I could practically hear the anthem playing in the background, with a series of images of sparklers, hot dogs, followed by the ‘off-air’ mind-numbing bleep at the end of the night. Don’t big now mister boss man I mean stop!

“If I have one more drink, I’m gonna end up hating you…is that what you wanna do shorty?”

Here is where we see Mellie get down and dirty, I mean Louisiana, catfish bayou, murky soul water dirty, especially when she comes for Mr. Jeeves aka President Ghost about his oh so precious bee sting jowl heifer. Filled to the brim with hooch (my favorite word), Mellie tries to entreat her “husband with benefits”, with a possible rump on Auntie Mame’s Thanksgiving table; when confronted with the notion of her being saddened by the missed opportunity of having her bee stung nemesis blown to kingdom come by Mr. Olivia, Raw take-no-*hit-off-of-you-and-yo-momma Mellie counters with a good ol rock em’ sock em’ punch that only Mellie can deliver:

Mr. Jeeves: “I would think that the last thing you’d want to do is celebrate; I’d think you’d be miserable, you missed out on your happy ending today. Olivia Pope being blown to bits?! That’s your dream isn’t it?

Raw dawg Mills: “Oh nooo, that’s my nightmare! if your whore had to died today, brave and strong, protecting a congressman inside the Capitol with a nation watching…Honey! The nails, the wood, cross you’d build and hammer her on, the worship you would feel for the rest of your days, down on your knees praying to saint Olivia Pope!! That would be…I’d lose…our little war…I’d lose. I am spectacular, but I can’t compete with religious fervor, so no, I was not hoping that she’d be blown up today, I’m not miserable that she survived. I’m celebrating cause Olivia Pope still walks this earth! She’s still alive, and as long as she is still alive, well she’s your flaw…your Achilles heel, which makes her my weapon. She’s the strings that if need be, I will pull to make my puppet husband dance…so cheers baby! Drink up! I live to fight another day!”

Mr Jeeves: *Gulps*

Womp

“Did you kill my father?”

Olivia strolls into her office all beaten, battered, and torn up like a 1$ hooker after a frat party, she stumbles upon Huck who looks like he’s just had his soul ripped out by God himself for questioning.  However, Olivia tries her best to offer some solace to Huck, (remember she did cheat on him! I mean she did right??? ) after a long pause, Huck reassures her that he’s not there to kill her, saying in fact he’s “All killed out today”. Apparently, this struck up some feels inside of Livy, because she then goes all Rambo on him, demanding to know if he snuffed out her father like a Qwki Mart match. You ain’t gotta lie Craig! You ain’t gotta lie! Hucks struggles to hold the pimp slap back on Olivia when he recalls how he tried to get a name of who’s in command. (Oh Huck’s gone bye bye birdie on us.) However, we see my boy Poppa Goon doing the jedi mind trick on Hucky bear, and suddenly Huck’s a walking slap chop commercial. Mannn…Rowan got people like Al Pacino in the Godfather…”Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.” I’m going to be Eli Pope for Halloween.

I feel for you, I think I love ya…

Despite what you think about Rowan/Eli Pope, you can’t deny that his and Olivia’s relationship doesn’t contain SOME shred of um…affection I guess? Albeit, twisted and weird, but you can’t say that Sid Vicious doesn’t care for his daughter. Ms. Blistex is ONLY chink in her father’s armor, an advantage that I don’t think she’s fully aware of…hmmm. I mean let’s not forget how easily Livy was able to get her father to release Huck, and now Jake’s benefitting from the genetic jedi powers…“the force is strong with this one”. However, I keep going back to what Ms. Wet your lips said to Jake, that the only reason he’s still alive is that he’s still useful to him in some way. So, it may not be over for boo#2 just yet.

I’ve just got onto the Scandal bandwagon, however these past few episodes have got me looking for absolution in the strangest of places. Shonda has got some explaining to do when I confront her about my frequent headaches, because I can’t seem to get my mind wrapped around the Bellevue Hospital craziness that she’s been dishing out.

Anyhoo people, that concludes my recap of Scandal.

I need a drink.

Scandal Mellie Fitz

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