Archive for January, 2013

Okay, so I think I’ve about hit my breaking point when it comes to some women and their P.D.R’s  (Public Displays of Ratchetness)…yes, the foolishness has bubbled over into the mainstream, and I am afraid that it won’t end there! Everywhere you turn, you can see evidence of wayward individuals losing their d*** minds in ways that will leave you cringing in pain, and catching face spasms, because you were side-eyeing soo hard. I felt compelled to chronicle the antics of all of the cousin Alize and Lysol’s out there– I have to! You all are driving me to drink!

1. Wearing sleep attire outside

Now, this offense has left me scratching my head many times, solely because I can’t think of a reason that one can use to justify this mess! Gimme one, and I’ll do the “Gator Dance” outside, buttnaked while holding an icicle…

There’s simply NO reason you should be out in the street with a scarf that you’ve been sweating in, dripping last night’s sleep spittle on, I’m sorry…not this TAHM. Oh, and let’s not forget the “hometraining: 101” dropouts who think it perfectly acceptable to walk out in your pajama pants!!!!!!!!!!! o_O …big mama should snatch yo simple behind back into reality with that foolishness, and throw in a switch or two on top it off. The only time people who commit this crime should get a pass, is if your house is burning to the ground, and all of your clothes where in the washing machine…that’s all.

2. Gurl that’s not your size aka denial

We see you standing in the department store ma’am, between the junior misses and petites, when you know your tail should be in the grown folks section. We all agree and know that beautiful people come in all shapes, sizes, ages and look fierce. However danggit, if I see another one of you ‘holding onto a dream’ tragedies out there, I’m going to hem you up, and pull an on the spot makeover right then and there.  If you’re 50, don’t dress like you’re 20; if you’re tall, don’t try to shrink your body into your little sister’s jeans! I won’t have it! STOP COMMITTING THESE CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY! I know that demi bra looks nice, but if you’re working with big guns, don’t put them in sling shots…same thing goes for panties! You know what I’m talking about, you ass decapitators.

3. Following ALL trends

Last year, a great catastrophe occurred when someone decided to be the first person to wear leggings, and made them popular. Lemme give you some insight on this one, just because it’s popular or a trend, doesn’t mean you have to follow it. Not every look floating around out there is meant for EVERYONE. Leggings, half the head shaved off, daisy dukes, meat dresses etc. No hun…nah uh…so what you saw Jada wearing it, it don’t fit you boo! Let it go!

4. Maintenance

I know it’s hard out there. In between taking care of the kids, and maintaining the household, it’s very easy for us goils to fall behind with daily up keep of our persons. However, never in the history of the world should a lady step one pinky toe out of her house without basic hygiene approval. I mean c’mon sweetie, do I really have to tell you about a pumice stone? or a toenail clipper, especially if you’re going to don sandals!!!!!!!!!????? NO!!!!!!!!!! Some of you ladies are out there walking around like you’ve done a stint on the Flintstones, and starting the car with your feet! Oh heck naw…mayne! Fix dem hooves.

5. Your lace front is ALL wrong!

I wanna create a prayer circle for the sad individual who invented the lacefront wig, because your soul is in all kinds of danger, filled with darkness and despair. Who in the Sesame Street universe told you, you can fabricate this scalpofsin? Thousands of follically challenged women are strutting around like Kenya tahkinbout “I’m gone with the wind fabulous!”…uh, no you’re more like here with a breeze ratched. What’s even more tragic is that some of the flock are being bamboozled, led astray, run amok into thinking they can just get any ol rug and slap it on their heads! Nooooooooo….tumblr_inline_mfxa5iy8QB1qj6pum

6. White eye liner?…black eye liner for your lips?!

Yeah…okay. Leave that wet n wild makeup alone my dear. JUST SAY NO! I REBUKE YOU! While we’re on the subject of makeup, please for the love of all things sacred find foundation that matches your natural skin tone! The undead look is NOT cute…and what’s up with these ‘the rock’ eyebrows???? Nope, have a seat.

If I forgot anything, please lemme know! This is your P.S.A for the day.